Official Solem Review of Belgian Biers, Part I
Monday, May 13
I’m writing from Antwerp, diamond capital of the world, fashion center of Northern Europe … and home to the De Koninck brewery, the Yuengling of Belgian beers. Which, incidentally, happens to be located a mere 300 m from my guesthouse.
The weather forecast for the next few days calls for plenty of rain and wind. In other words, perfect conditions for hunkering down and sampling some of the literally hundreds of beers produced in this tiny country.
I know most of you don’t give a rat’s ass about museums and my sightseeing adventures. Herewith, the first installment of the Official Solem Review of Belgian Bier — haiku style!
| Tongerlo Dubbel Bruin Crispy and nutty Subtle pecan and orange Bill Clinton’s wet dream |
|
| Brugs Stella’s poor cousin Looks can deceive and confuse Disappointing sex |
|
| Jupiler Stella’s little sis Svelte and light flowers and lace For the common man |
 |
| La Chouffe Spicy and fruity Afternoon on the Mekong Mosquitos won’t bite |
 |
| Bruges Zot Creeping up on you One moment you are dancing Wake up tomorrow |
 |
[interruptus: Zot is the house beer of the De Halve Maan brewery in Bruges, where my conference dinner was held a few days ago. Before dinner we were treated to a brief tour of the brewery. About halfway through we reached a very steep staircase whereupon our guide instructed us to descend the steps gingerly facing backwards.
In front of me was an elderly lady from Barcelona, followed by me and a rotund colleague from Germany. Halfway down the staircase the Spanish lady said, “Michael? Is that you?”
I paused and turned my head back. “Oh, hello Maria! I haven’t seen you in ages …”
Maria then completely stopped her descent and proceeded to ask me questions about the projects I’m involved in, how was I finding Bruges, etc etc. All the while above my head came my German colleague and her colossal ass.
Waving “go!” toward dear old Maria, I started to have a daydream of being sandwiched between Catalonia and Deutschland. Sort of like all of those blitzkreigs in Poland back in the day. Alas, as it turns out, I should have been more concerned about suffocating from the Deutsch fart that detonated with the sound of a thousand trombones …
Well, back to the bier review …]
I tasted the next four beers at Cafe Rose Red in Bruges. From right to left …
Redor DuPont
Light & clean pilsner
If you forgot to bring gum
Bad breath elixir
Lupulus blonde
Tangy & effervescent
I watched a snail cross the road
Slow motion hero
La Trappe isid
Smooth nougat spice
In Amsterdam by the wall
Prometheus down
Saison DuPont
Experienced
Warp warp warp warp warp warp warp
Come again please sir
| Duchesse de Bourgogne Sweet and sour pussy Oh yes yes yes ohhhhh yes … yes! Summer Donna … ah |
 |
| Maredsous Dark and luscious man Tragedy of Othello Black and pure as night |
 |
Well, I don’t know about you but that made me thirsty. Please excuse me as I have much research to do for the next chapter of the Official Solem Review of Belgian Biers!
Fin
Brugge
Thursday, May 9
I’m spending the next week in Belgium for a conference and a few days of drinking lambics and dubbels. First stop: the medieval city of Brugge (Bruges).
I had intended to watch the Colin Farrell movie In Bruges on my flight over, but for some reason the iTunes download wouldn’t play (although after a colleague informed me that in Germany the movie title translates as “See Bruges and Die”, maybe that’s OK).
******
The journey from Brussels airport to Bruges was relatively straightforward, except at the Bruges rail station where taxis are nonexistent. After waiting 30 minutes, I consulted Google Maps and hopped on a bus into the city centre. The route only took 8 minutes, but I nearly missed my stop after I accidentally set off an alarm by pressing the wrong button. Some elderly dude poked me with his cane in retaliation 😦
Anyhow, while in Bruges I’m staying at a tiny B&B run by Pierre, a Belgian dude, and Junko, his Japanese wife. They really are a lovely couple (except before my morning coffee at 7 AM when they insist on telling me all about the interior design business they manage on the side …).
Unfortunately the B&B is located on a street being excavated for new water pipe installation. Not a big deal except during rainy weather, like yesterday, when the street converts to a Woodstock-worthy mud pit (Figure 1).
Figure 1: Walsestraat
When I walked up Junko was outside chatting with the construction workers. “Michael!” she yelled, in that funny Japanese way. She hurried to let me inside and promptly served me a Belgian blonde ale. Everything is forgiven.
One thing that apparently doesn’t exist in Belgium is liability insurance. As you can infer from Figure 2, the typical Belgian architect is a 5’2″ teetotaler. This is what I have to climb to and from my room.
Figure 2. Stairway to Hell
*****
Today is Ascension Day, a national holiday in Belgium. Each year, the Holy Blood Procession takes place in city of Bruges to honor the legend of Count Diederick of Alsace.
According to this legend, my boy the Count spent time beheading unbelievers during the Crusades in Jerusalem. As a reward the Count was given a few drops of Jesus Christ’s blood on his way back to Flanders (that’s Nationalist-speak for the Dutch-speaking region of Belgium).
During the Procession, approximately 100,000 people (mostly of the bridge-playing demographic) line the streets of Bruges to watch a bunch of robed dudes emerge from their retirement home holding aloft a bejeweled urn containing the Holy Blood (Figure 3).
Figure 3. Basilica of the (omg) Holy Blood
However, a Bruges city councilwoman told me at a reception last night that “there is no scientific evidence that the blood in the urn belongs to Jesus. So, its contents remain a mystery.”
Well, that’s all I needed to know to decide the only procession I’m interested in for the rest of this afternoon is the one that takes my ass from one brouwerij to another (Figure 4).
“Op uw gezondheid!!”
Figure 4. I’m a Believer.
michaelsolem.net 